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December 30, 2005
Bend. While I was in Houston, I started going to Yoga classes with the two refugee moms - I and E - who lived close by. At home this week in New Orleans I had a dream that I was standing with E, fully dressed in a winter coat and high-heeled boots, and I all of a sudden leaned over and I was able to touch my palms to the floor. "Look, E!" I said. "Easy." When I woke up I still had the feeling of being able to touch my toes, which was so great, but when I tried, the dream broke. Drat. I had to bend my knees and even hobbled over there's still a ways to go before I reach the floor.
I did not know this: it's not your tight hamstrings that keep you from being able to bend over and rest your chest on your thighs, it's your weak-assed quads and hips that have been not-exercising for the last couple of years. When the back of the leg trusts the front of the leg, the back of the leg lets go. Strength. Trust. Balance. Ain't nothing balanced about my muscle groups right now, but I'm going to start classes with I and E at a New Orleans Yoga place, and sometime in 2006 I'll have news of a wide-awake toe-touch. ![]()
December 23, 2005
River. James Taylor's cover sounds like a different song, but, lord, it's sensitively voiced and lovely forever.
If you wish there was more JT output, go here. Amazing. Cold Fingers. Andrew and I are home and reunited with Malcolm. The house is a mess of Houston furniture, towels, bed linens, and dozens of Target bags which I hoarded and then used to transport our toiletries, cleaning stuff - all of this a duplication of what we already had in New Orleans. We'll give most of these things to M's sister and mom whose houses in Metairie flooded. They're living in FEMA trailers in their respective driveways (across the street from each other), and won't be back in their homes until after Mardi Gras. Maybe.
We still have no heat, no hot water, no stove/oven. Entergy's digging holes in our neighborhood trying to find out why water keeps getting into the gas main. The winds are supposed to shift in the next couple of hours and will come out of the south, so the temps will be milder. It's warmer outside than it is inside. I could go up to the converted attic, which is all electric, and be more comfortable, but I'm determined to live, again, in the whole house, so I'm under a blanket with a cup of hot coffee to warm my hands. ![]()
December 17, 2005
Electricity. In Inkpot.
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December 14, 2005
Great Lake Swimmers. ![]() Such a great name for a band that writes beautiful songs. Let me see if I know how to link, now that my web maestro has set me up. After listening, do you read their name as swimmers who swim in the Great Lakes, or swimmers who really know how to swim in lakes? Various Stages Bodies and Minds A Girl Called Pia ![]() A Girl Called Eddy I'll get the party started (sorry, had to do it) with with music from A Girl Called Eddy: ♪ Golden ♪ Under the Warm Sun Technorati Tags: AGirlCalledEddy, flash, listen, mp3, music, play ![]()
December 13, 2005
9 Days. Malcolm came last weekend and offered to start bringing stuff home, but I don't want to live one day longer than I have to in an apt. without books, boots, and photographs on the wall. He'll be back again on Friday, and then we can start to box stuff and break this place down. And once again, I can't wait until he walks in the door like a mirage with his kind eyes and shy smile, like he wants to ask me out but can't quite get up the courage, even though I'm gonna say yes. I thought he'd never ask! These entrances and exits feel fresh, sweet, both of us vulnerable and expectant, eager.
Still, it's not unpleasant living apart from your spouse, in separate abodes. When M and I split up a few years ago, I had just found an apt. I loved in the Cotton Mill, but I panicked, pulled up, e mailed him, asked him to come over, quickly, so we could talk, and reconcile. I'm happy to be back in a better, more peaceful version of my marriage, but I always regretted not moving into that brick-walled, sun-slashed 2-bedroom. Because I never lived one day alone when I wasn't in a relationship. Never expected I would. Someone skipped over the lesson about how you don't have to be with a man to be whole. How maybe you want to smarten up and act like more than a hole. I was fearful about living away from M, but afraid to live with him. The rush of love and doubt I felt that day in the FQ when I asked him to come back is one of the clearest, scariest, most powerful moments of my life. I knew how to want, but not how to ask for what I wanted. Houston has shown me something about staying alive inside a marriage, getting in the car and driving through neighborhoods like you live there, learning the streets, venturing outside the loop, gaining ground you get to keep, and having a pretty nice time with yourself. (Out of the gutter, minds!) I've had another chance at the independence I always imagined but never realized, without the pain of maybe-divorcing and ripping your kid in half. The isolation's sad, and there were days when I couldn't wait for A to go to school so I could take a nap, covers over my head, or when I forgot to leave the house, or when I watched eight hours of back-to-back 24s from the seasons I missed. But also comfortable. You make your own days, you fry onions and cook chili, you write your novel, you read newspapers on the internet, you eat butterscotch pudding, you download 585 free songs and forget to take off the headphones two hours after the music stops, another pudding, still you know you and M are connected to the mothership, just on different tethers. And that this variation of your marriage has a beginning, a middle, and no end. ![]()
December 12, 2005
More Conversation Than I Get Out Of Andrew. Have you met Einstein the Gray African Parrot?
Don't Let New Orleans Die. In case you didn't see yesterday's editorial in the NYT:
We are about to lose New Orleans. Whether it is a conscious plan to let the city rot until no one is willing to move back or honest paralysis over difficult questions, the moment is upon us when a major American city will die, leaving nothing but a few shells for tourists to visit like a museum. We said this wouldn't happen. President Bush said it wouldn't happen. He stood in Jackson Square and said, "There is no way to imagine America without New Orleans." But it has been over three months since Hurricane Katrina struck and the city is in complete shambles. There are many unanswered questions that will take years to work out, but one is make-or-break and needs to be dealt with immediately. It all boils down to the levee system. People will clear garbage, live in tents, work their fingers to the bone to reclaim homes and lives, but not if they don't believe they will be protected by more than patches to the same old system that failed during the deadly storm. Homeowners, businesses and insurance companies all need a commitment before they will stake their futures on the city. At this moment the reconstruction is a rudderless ship. There is no effective leadership that we can identify. How many people could even name the president's liaison for the reconstruction effort, Donald Powell? Lawmakers need to understand that for New Orleans the words "pending in Congress" are a death warrant requiring no signature. The rumbling from Washington that the proposed cost of better levees is too much has grown louder. Pretending we are going to do the necessary work eventually, while stalling until the next hurricane season is upon us, is dishonest and cowardly. Unless some clear, quick commitments are made, the displaced will have no choice but to sink roots in the alien communities where they landed. The price tag for protection against a Category 5 hurricane, which would involve not just stronger and higher levees but also new drainage canals and environmental restoration, would very likely run to well over $32 billion. That is a lot of money. But that starting point represents just 1.2 percent of this year's estimated $2.6 trillion in federal spending, which actually overstates the case, since the cost would be spread over many years. And it is barely one-third the cost of the $95 billion in tax cuts passed just last week by the House of Representatives. Total allocations for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and the war on terror have topped $300 billion. All that money has been appropriated as the cost of protecting the nation from terrorist attacks. But what was the worst possible case we fought to prevent? Losing a major American city. "We'll not just rebuild, we'll build higher and better," President Bush said that night in September. Our feeling, strongly, is that he was right and should keep to his word. We in New York remember well what it was like for the country to rally around our city in a desperate hour. New York survived and has flourished. New Orleans can too. Of course, New Orleans's local and state officials must do their part as well, and demonstrate the political and practical will to rebuild the city efficiently and responsibly. They must, as quickly as possible, produce a comprehensive plan for putting New Orleans back together. Which schools will be rebuilt and which will be absorbed? Which neighborhoods will be shored up? Where will the roads go? What about electricity and water lines? So far, local and state officials have been derelict at producing anything that comes close to a coherent plan. That is unacceptable. The city must rise to the occasion. But it will not have that opportunity without the levees, and only the office of the president is strong enough to goad Congress to take swift action. Only his voice is loud enough to call people home and convince them that commitments will be met. Maybe America does not want to rebuild New Orleans. Maybe we have decided that the deficits are too large and the money too scarce, and that it is better just to look the other way until the city withers and disappears. If that is truly the case, then it is incumbent on President Bush and Congress to admit it, and organize a real plan to help the dislocated residents resettle into new homes. The communities that opened their hearts to the Katrina refugees need to know that their short-term act of charity has turned into a permanent commitment. If the rest of the nation has decided it is too expensive to give the people of New Orleans a chance at renewal, we have to tell them so. We must tell them we spent our rainy-day fund on a costly stalemate in Iraq, that we gave it away in tax cuts for wealthy families and shareholders. We must tell them America is too broke and too weak to rebuild one of its great cities. Our nation would then look like a feeble giant indeed. But whether we admit it or not, this is our choice to make. We decide whether New Orleans lives or dies. ![]()
December 11, 2005
"The place that seems most dangerous . . . is exactly where safety lies."
Spoken by Barbara Cook, to her master class, which Christopher Isherwood sat in on, and wrote about, today, in the New York Times. Courage, singers - and writers! Take Off Your Emotional Clothes and Sing By CHARLES ISHERWOOD BARBARA COOK walked onstage recently at the Peter Jay Sharp Theater at Juilliard carrying what appeared to be a massive, mutant tangerine with handles. On closer inspection, it was revealed to be merely an oversize purse of a peculiarly vivid hue, but it still looked incongruous against her clean black ensemble. She plopped it down beside a chair, where it sat for the two-hour duration of the master class she conducted for aspiring singers. That bag's eye-catching oddity could be seen as emblematic of the central lesson this peerless artist struggled to impart to six students from the school's classical program. Love me, love my funky orange purse, she seemed to be saying. This is who I am, and, guess what? It matters to my art. Everything about me does. With a stern insistence belied by the radiant warmth she exudes with every chuckle and every sigh, Ms. Cook repeatedly urged her students to "put your life into what you do." If you're an orange-purse lover, use it! This appeared to be a radical, possibly life-altering message for the six budding performers who bravely took the stage in front of a public audience to be put through the paces of learning how to sing musical-theater songs the way Barbara Cook likes them to be sung: truthfully, borne aloft on the natural rhythms of human speech, and passionately, as if the world hinged on a whispered confession of love or a man that got away. It's the way Ms. Cook has been singing them for about half a century, as her many admirers well know, and it is what makes her the most accomplished, most vital exemplar of a tradition that is in danger of going the way of the dodo. If the honesty and purity Ms. Cook brings to the art of singing theater songs can be instilled in vocalists trained in a different tradition - as these gifted but still unformed students clearly had been - so much the better for lovers of classical music. Ms. Cook, who gives several master classes a year around the country, opened the session with a brief, informal speech emphasizing that the key to good singing is making a real investment of feeling in each note. "Your own humanity," she said, "is your pathway to artistry." Using a vivid metaphor that acknowledged the scariness of the enterprise, she explained, "We have to find the courage to take off our emotional clothes." Ms. Cook elaborated on that danger in speaking of the essential fear that crawls around in most performers' hearts, an anxiety that in a curious way may also be a motivating factor in the desire to become a performer: "We feel that we're not enough, that the world doesn't want us." Plain but potent words, and not just applicable to performers. The therapeutic industry thrives on them, after all, as do innumerable Internet dating services. In fact, as Ms. Cook delightfully implied, referring to "this icky kind of talk" that prefaced the class proper, if you'd wandered in off 65th Street you might have concluded that Ms. Cook was conducting a self-help seminar, not a class in musicianship. Magically, this two hours of unstructured instruction turned out to be a little of both. It was all the more rewarding for its dual purposes, for the students certainly, but also for an audience that included several accomplished performers ( Maria Friedman and Michael Ball of "The Woman in White," and Melissa Errico), who watched with rapt attention as Ms. Cook slowly coaxed out from behind the chilly armor of their presentational personae the radiant human beings lurking quietly within. The first singer, a burly young tenor named Alex Mansoori, was welcomed to the stage and allowed to sing a selection straight through to the finish. That wouldn't happen often, and in fact as soon as he had finished Ms. Cook made clear that Mr. Mansoori's performance - of the song "The Cuddles Mary Gave," by Lynn Ahrens and Stephen Flaherty - wasn't much to her liking, despite the pearly purity of his tone. She heard too much singing, not enough being. Coaxing him to stay away from the "stilted speech" she wryly noted aspiring opera singers are trained to employ, Ms. Cook had him simply speak the words of the song, a device she would use again and again. What poured out were similar streams of pretty, perfectly pitched sounds that didn't bear much resemblance to the "Amurrican" English she jokingly called for, or come close to communicating the meanings of their songs. The students were hiding inside the music, inside their technique, and Ms. Cook set about dragging them out and making them lay bare their own truths, even if it meant awkwardness, embarrassment and some blunt criticism - leavened, in all cases, by sincerely delivered hugs and kisses. She put forth a telling paradox: "The place that seems most dangerous is exactly where safety lies." In other words, self-exposure and the abandonment of technical propriety, scary as it was, was the surest, the best, maybe the only way to communicate with an audience. The truth of this insight was illustrated before our eyes, and it was a fascinating process to watch. Erin Morley, a soprano with a bright, silvery tone, sang "With You," a flowery ballad from "Pippin." "I don't hear you letting us in," Ms. Cook said, and tried to strip away all the mannerisms Ms. Morley had been trained to use in recital. When she started in on the song again, Ms. Cook stopped her virtually before she started: "I can still see her gathering herself to sing," Ms. Cook said, to the audience, and once again implored Ms. Morley to let her real self into the song, and invite the audience with her. "You don't need to do that," she said, referring to the performing stance Ms. Morley kept donning like a costume. She reiterated her encouraging mantra: "You are enough." The breakthrough came for Ms. Morley when Ms. Cook called Mr. Mansoori back to the stage, made them sit down knee to knee and hold hands, and then asked Ms. Morley to speak the words to him, adding music only when, after a few bouts of enforced "wiggling" to loosen her up, she felt she'd made contact with the person inside the performer. Finally, the song came alive, quietly and surely, the notes on the page dissolving into irrelevance. The process was repeated again, with minor variations, for a lanky tenor, Michael Kelly, and a lanky bass, Matt Boehler. (Jennifer Sheehan, a soprano who had the most natural delivery, was quickly dispatched with appreciation and a few more modest tips.) Both were made to sing their songs not to the audience as a whole but to a particular person, a technique as simple as it was efficient. The audience, engaged by the process, eventually got into the act. When Ms. Cook seemed stumped about how to get Mr. Kelly to loosen up and deliver his chosen song, the Odgen Nash-Vernon Duke tune "Low and Lazy," someone finally called out what I'd been itching to say: "Get him out of that suit jacket and tie!" She did; he blossomed. (I would have added that the lyric's humor was being sorely overlooked, too.) But the most arresting moment came when a svelte redhead named Ariana Wyatt came onstage. Radiating charm and confidence, she began to sing a little-known Gershwin song called "In the Mandarin's Orchard Garden," about a misfit flower. Ms. Cook clearly wanted to find the woman behind the poise. She tried the same techniques she'd used on the others, but still Ms. Wyatt seemed intent on delivering a perfectly manicured performance that was just what Ms. Cook didn't want to hear. As frustration mounted on both sides, Ms. Cook finally turned to face her student and said, with real sincerity: "You are a beautiful young woman. You have a beautiful voice. You don't have to prove it to anyone." Ms. Wyatt nodded, and a couple of tears ran down her cheeks. I'm afraid those words are paraphrased. The pen stopped moving when the heart stood still. Although it was not part of a performance, the moment may well linger as one of the most moving things I've witnessed in a theater. Ms. Cook dabbed the tears away, then watched a little dumbstruck as her student insisted on leaving the stage for a moment to gather herself. "This is a first," she said a little sheepishly. And what had happened? It's hard to say. Maybe, in the unlikeliest of contexts - on a public stage - two people made a brief but meaningful connection. Certainly, an established artist gave a small gift of assurance - of love, even - to an unformed one. The serenity of age looked back at the insecurity of youth, which marshals technique and posturing to defend itself, and said, try to let it go. You don't need it. You are enough. Ms. Wyatt returned to the stage, determined, and sat down, and sang. She was still riven with emotion, maybe a little too much. Ms. Cook asked her how it went. It was harder to sing this way, Ms. Wyatt confessed. Ms. Cook said it would get easier. The audience applauded her enthusiastically, wanting to honor both the progress she'd made and the discomfort she'd endured to get there. Class was dismissed after Ms. Cook practiced what she preached, performing "A Wonderful Guy" according to the simple precepts she'd set forth. But Ms. Cook's artistry is so pure it's hard to see what's behind it. It was the work we'd witnessed that illustrated the simple but profound insights behind her philosophy. When performers first step onstage, they may be looking for validation, for approbation in the form of nourishing applause. But the lesson Ms. Cook came to teach was that artists achieve their peak when they learn to stop proving themselves and simply, to borrow the Shakespearean phrase, let be. It's their humanity we respond to in the end, their ability to strip away the self-consciousness that locks us inside ourselves, and reveal the stuff that really boils in our souls. Talent is necessary, training is important, but they'll only get you halfway to becoming a real artist. For directions on the last, hardest stages of the journey, see Barbara Cook. Any time you can. Gift Ideas: 1. Toothpaste For Dinner t-shirts.
![]() 2. A tiny book about New Orleans' ruined and rank refrigerators. ![]() 3. Free songs. If you go to this site and register, and then click on the offer from Emusic and sign up for a Trial Membership, you get 100 free songs, to be used greedily by you (and me!) or to be given away to your friends (like me!). Which'll be good for your heart. 4. Orange Dulce Tea - oh, man, this is the most delicious tea you'll ever taste, with Splenda and Coffee Mate. Sexy negligee-like tea bags, too. ![]() 5. A link of love to Riley Dog, which never disappoints and always opens up your chest cavity. 6. Poets reading their own work. Voices to keep you company - like Adrienne Rich's. What else on a Sunday afternoon in Houston? This question: How do football players leapfrog over the helmets of players in the end zone who are standing straight up?
Three Poems: by Tao Lin in Bullfight Review.
Waterfall Paintings. ![]() Malcolm and Andrew and I went into Texas Gallery yesterday (click on the archive) to see Pat Steir's show. Which lifted our flood-weary spirits a mile high. Veils of water. Delicate layers that look like fabric. Subtle metallics. Some of the canvasses are massive. The images don't do them justice, but the motion and elegance of the paint can be seen. Now: If I had a penny for every time I've walked through a gallery and been ignored by staff chatting in the back, I couldn't buy a Steir painting, but I could buy a martini up, double olives. Would've been lovely to have had someone walk us through the work, if only to share our joy at having a chance to see it. If you want more, like I do, click here. Crush: On A Girl Called Eddy because there's something Dusty Springfield going on.
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December 09, 2005
Please Read: ![]() I consumed this book in one sitting and all I want to do now is go back and, first, kiss, then, help, my city. Tom Piazza understands the place, and the hole that'll be left in the country if its people can't return. Ken Foster wrote a review for Time-Out New York of Piazza's book, and other post-Katrina books that deserve your attention. Gotta share. Because that's what Jeff Landon would want me to do:
The God Who Loves You It must be troubling for the god who loves you To ponder how much happier you'd be today Had you been able to glimpse your many futures. It must be painful for him to watch you on Friday evenings Driving home from the office, content with your week? Three fine houses sold to deserving families? Knowing as he does exactly what would have happened Had you gone to your second choice for college, Knowing the roommate you'd have been allotted Whose ardent opinions on painting and music Would have kindled in you a lifelong passion. A life thirty points above the life you're living On any scale of satisfaction. And every point A thorn in the side of the god who loves you. You don't want that, a large-souled man like you Who tries to withhold from your wife the day's disappointments So she can save her empathy for the children. And would you want this god to compare your wife With the woman you were destined to meet on the other campus? It hurts you to think of him ranking the conversation You'd have enjoyed over there higher in insight Than the conversation you're used to. And think how this loving god would feel Knowing that the man next in line for your wife Would have pleased her more than you ever will Even on your best days, when you really try. Can you sleep at night believing a god like that Is pacing his cloudy bedroom, harassed by alternatives You're spared by ignorance? The difference between what is And what could have been will remain alive for him Even after you cease existing, after you catch a chill Running out in the snow for the morning paper, Losing eleven years that the god who loves you Will feel compelled to imagine scene by scene Unless you come to the rescue by imagining him No wiser than you are, no god at all, only a friend No closer than the actual friend you made at college, The one you haven't written in months. Sit down tonight And write him about the life you can talk about With a claim to authority, the life you've witnessed, Which for all you know is the life you've chosen. by Carl Dennis ![]()
December 05, 2005
House Bound. Andrew and I have 17 days until we go home. Malcolm's coming this Wednesday for an emergency visit, because although you might (or might not) think we're "in the homestretch" and "the worst is behind us" and we should "make good use of the time in Houston that's left," I had a meltdown yesterday, yelled at A who had been not answering me all morning, slammed the door, got in my car because the cell reception's terrible in the apartment, called M in a panic, and kept shrieking: "I can't take it anymore. I miss you. Why are we separated?" Meanwhile, A clicked three times into my cell phone, his name in the screen, and when I finally stopped being a bitch long enough to take his call he said: "Where are you, Mom?" and "Please come back home." He was kind the rest of the day, and sat with me and talked until he went to school.
There's so much shit to deal with when we get back to New Orleans. The worst is not behind us; the separation of our family is about to come to an end, but then we're home for good, with no perky, successful Texas city to drive back to after quickie, dour visits to New Orleans. I talked to my father a couple of days ago - the first time since K - and he's concerned, kind of interested in what I've seen when I've been home, but, then, ready to rush into the Possibilities that being ripped from your home and your job can give you. "A chance to follow dreams" with "a clean slate." Sure. Whenever things got uncomfortable for him, or my parent's marriage shuddered, we moved to another city, onto a pretty street. But what if all you ever wanted was a hometown, because you travelled all day in your mind? And you were tired. What if what you want is to go back to New Orleans, to your neighborhood, to your dry house, and sit your ass back down on the porch? Maybe you don't want to be beckoned by life's highways, because they take you away from the stillness of yourself, and you are completed by M and A because you finally trust that they really do love you, and they're not going anywhere. Neither are you. We probably won't be socializing much. Everyone's talking about water lines, insurance, FEMA trailers, what they're gonna do if the "wrong blacks come back", and they're looking to lay blame for broken levees, the sorry evacuation, the costs that've been incurred by living in other cities, etc. At dinner this weekend with friends from New Orleans, the discussion turned to Blanco and the job she's done. One of the husbands: "I'll never see another woman governor in my life time." Looking at me, "You blew your chance. She's bad." "And the bad men who've been elected?" I said. "They get more chances?" What the storm's done is bring out the rancor and ugliness that lurks under the veneer of good manners and soccer talk. Unsettling. Is this what this guy thinks about woman day in and day out? Because I wouldn't have known that. I'm sorry I now do. Hearting. I found these two writers' sites within 24 hours of each other. Lucky weekend. Not on my own, but with the help of Sue Henderson and Kevin Sampsell.
![]() Encyclopedia Of An Ordinary Life ![]() Fool's Paradise Again: Elimae. Consistently fine work.
Holding Beauty. ![]()
December 01, 2005
Sunday Drive. To pay our respects, Malcolm and I got in the car last Sunday and drove for 2-1/2 hours through Gentilly, New Orleans East, The Lower 9th Ward, the 8th Ward, Chalmette, Violet, Meraux; we tried to go down to Pointe A La Hache but the road was closed, and then we headed back through Bywater, Faubourg Marigny, (both of which did okay), never once repeating a neighborhood. All you see are blocks and blocks of ruined homes and businesses. Neighborhoods, brown and frozen. Emptied streets. No traffic, no noises, no electricity, (one red light working at Judge Perez and Franklin), no birds. Not one family or business was spared. Every building, tree trunk, stop sign, is tattooed with a water line. Some are three feet high, some are ten. If you need gas, a Coke, or to pee, you're out of luck.
Andrew's learning to drive, and later that afternoon, he shadowed M and me in the old black Suburban while we walked the breach at the 17th Street Canal. The destruction here is more like mutilation. Pristine, empty slabs because their houses floated two doors down; exposed closets with clothes still hanging on the rod; half of a house sagging; cars tilted against trees, and everything Katrina brown. The rebuild will be endless, if it ever starts. The lawsuits, a mountain range. Everyone's swapping storm stories and it feels like Can You Top This? We can't. Our home had roof damage, and some water in the basement. We lost our business, but many of our friends lost their houses and their jobs. "Pure luck," we say. "We live on a narrow finger of high land. Half-a-block behind us they flooded." Like being close to high water gives us something in common. Restaurants that're open, and dentists & doctors, and gutting/sheetrock/demolition freelancers have covered the neutral ground with yard signs. One that made me ache: Gentle Interior Removal - 504-483-7181.
Another Sweet Holiday Gift Idea.
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Awww.
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A request for Jim Shepard.
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Pia's Nifty Gift Ideas.
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My Favorite Runners.
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Story Quarterly Contest.
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Clickable:
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You Try and Choose.
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Pop Up Books.
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Container Houses.
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